Apple Orchard

We took both the kids to the apple orchard/pumpkin patch yesterday. It was a little too hot for it to really feel like fall, but the kids had a great time. They got to pick apples.....the little Jonathan, tart, crisp ones...mmmmmm. We also went through the big corn maze, rode on the hay rack ride and picked some gourds from the gourd garden. Here are some highlight photos:

Yoga and the patch

Lately I've been doing yoga in an attempt to help my old, arthritic joints. Today I did it while still in my pajamas. After having two children, doing "downward facing dog" without a bra is the scariest fucking thing I've ever witnessed.

Now onto something more pleasant....yesterday Emma and I...plus a bunch of friends went to the pumpkin patch. It was windy and cold, but still was fun. Here are some cute pictures of Emma:

Suicidal Thoughts

Yesterday I bought some underwear. I took them out of the package, held them up and thought "God damn, these things are massive". Then I put on a pair.
Apparently, I'm massive.

School pic, movie review, and church talk

Kyle got his school picture back on Friday and I have to say, it's pretty damn good. I am always prepared for some crazy, buck toothed smile and squinty eyes....just so I'm not disappointed. So this one was a nice surprise:



Last night Rob and I went to see the movie "School for Scoundrels". It was funny, and worth the $7. I still can't imagine.....no matter how many movies he may do....anyone kissing or finding Napoleon Dynamite attractive. The wierdest thing was that right before the movie they showed a preview of another Billy Bob Thorton movie called Mr. Woodcock....that also looked humorous, and I swear he looked about 30 pounds heavier in that one.
Also, this morning we went to church and believe it or not, the pastor's sermon was based on the movie "The Lion King". He talked for about 15 minutes about the damn thing! I'm logging that away with all the other "things I never thought I'd hear".

Harry Potter

Is it wrong that I think Harry Potter is getting kind of hot?


It is isn't it.


Damn.

Nip/Tuck n' stuff

Last nights episode of Nip/Tuck was so fucked up and crazy, I was loving it. It is normally whack-ass so you'd think it would be getting old, but apparently I still love it. So Melissa Gilbert...aka Laura Ingalls was on as this woman who had her nipple bitten off by her dog while trying to break up a fight between her dog and some other dog. At least that is what she told the docs. In reality, when her husband showed up carrying a duffel bag with the dead dog in it, we find out that she had been luring the dog to fuck her with peanut butter that she kept by the bed. So her husband comes home, sees the peanut butter, call's the woman's sister to find out where she is, kills the dog (as he referred to as her "lover") and then shows up at the doctor's office and dumps the dead dog on a bed. EWWWWWWW!!!! So nasty, I can't wait for next week's episode. ;)
On a lighter note, look how pretty our new little tree looks with it's fall colors:

Blockbuster

We went to Blockbuster today to rent some movies and while perusing the new releases, I came upon a movie cover that had me laughing my ass off. It was called "The Gingerdead Man" starring none other than Gary Busey. I, of course, will never watch this movie, but the picture on the cover was priceless:

Random thoughts

I read on a friend's blog that John Stamos was joining the cast of ER. Thank God I stopped watching that show a couple of years back because I don't think my stomach could stand the Stamos-ing of ER. Next thing you know they'll be bringing in Horshack for some meaty, dramatic role. "Oooo, Oooo, Oooo, we've got a trauma in curtain one!" Ugh.
Speaking of ugh.....today Kyle had a football game. They play at an athletic complex with football fields, soccer fields, and baseball diamonds, so it's a pretty large space. The only restrooms are port-a-potties...here's where the ugh comes in...so Emma announces that she has to go. I take her to the closest one and when we get into this nasty thing, I remember that she's wearing bib overalls. So I have to take her jacket off, to get the bibs off, so she can go. Plus it's just disgusting in there so I'm constantly telling her not to touch anything and to watch out, ect. I realize that they don't have any toilet paper, but luckily I had some Kleenex in my pocket for her to wipe with. I get her all undone and hold her over the pot. It's the longest piss she's ever had and I'm holding her about 2 inches off the seat, so my arms are shaking. Then she notices a nasty corn filled turd in the toilet and has to continually turn her head to look at it. And talk about it to no end. "will you just forget about the poop and hurry up?!" I say to her several times, with my arms shaking. Needless to say, a simple bathroom break turned into a bacteria filled fiasco.
I've been realizing more and more lately that getting old sucks ass. Not a really profound observation as everyone knows that, but still, I didn't think I'd be this rickety at 34. I have arthritis in my back and as the years go by it gets worse. So every morning I wake up and rise out of bed like Frankenstein because I can't bend my back until I get limbered up. Fire bad! Anyway, a couple of months back I noticed at kind of an inopportune moment....whilst fucking....that my hip was really out of whack. Like really painful, couldn't move it the way I normally do, kind of stuff. I've always been very flexible and took it for granted. So now my one leg/hip is totally stiff all the time and the other is normal. I can only sit half Indian-style and it looks weird. Excuse me...that's not politically correct anymore, I can only sit half cross-legged. ;)

It'a all about the Hamiltons, baby!

I just heard that one of my favorite SNL cast members, Chris Parnell has been dropped from SNL. I love him and think he is funny as shit, so that makes me kinda sad. I did hear that he is going to be on some sitcom that is starting this fall, so at least he isn't just out of work......but I'm sure his show won't last, as they never do. Here is the link to one of my favorite Parnell sketches:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=stBcMHcdKxc

Emma's first day of preschool

So this was the day that Emma has been looking forward to since Kyle started school. It went well for her. Not so much for me. Not like I was weepy or some shit, but that I had to clean a house before I took her, plus had other errands to do and the class was only an hour long for orientation so I had to stay for the entire time. It was way more formal that I was expecting. Last years preschool was like daycare....you drop them off, say hi and bye, and then you're done. But here there is a drop off/pick up routine, nametags, background checks, ect. All of which I'm cool with, just wasn't expecting it. Plus this preschool is part of a church and the building was like a compound. Hallways here, there and everywhere. At one point we were led up one staircase and down another. I had no idea where I was. Plus I am so used to old-timey Catholic churches with just a basement and some crappy house next door for the nuns to live in. This place had offices, sitting rooms, classrooms, and even a gymnasium. Apparently the collection plate is full every Sunday. They did discuss some of the bible based teaching they were going to do with the kids, which was nice, because Emma is going to need all the God she can get. ;) She had a blast and is going to love it. Here are a couple of pics:



My favorite part of these pictures is her bag. They gave them each a bag to decorate however they liked. Emma wanted red paint and insisted that everything she painted be red. So the bag looks like the Meredith Drive preschool bloodbath.

Football Sunday

Sunday was Kyle's first football game. I hadn't realized that they were supposed to wear white football pants, so he played in some black warm up pants. I was embarrassed for him being one of the only ones without, but he couldn't have cared less. They also got their team photo taken and all the kids with the white pants were up front....as if the shameful non-white pant kids were too big of an embarrassment to be in the front. ;) I did buy a pair of used ones off eBay today for $3, so hopefully they'll arrive before next Sunday's game. Here are some of the highlight photos:

Make with the pictures!

It's been a week or so since I've posted any new pictures....were you guys having withdrawl? ;) Today's photo gallery is of Emma in her dance attire. She thinks she is the shit. "I want to wear my 'tard' and tap taps", she'll say. The first one is just one of her looking at the camera and the second is a cheesy, "I'm hot as hell and I know it" pose.

Friday talk

Emma's preschool teacher is coming here today to meet her. I'd never heard of them meeting the kids at home before school starts, but I guess it's to make the transition easier for the kids. Emma totally doesn't need that...but some kids probably do. She is so anxious to start school. Everyday when we drop Kyle off she says "is my school ready?" I have no idea what to expect with the home visit. What she'll do with Emma, how long she'll stay, ect. Emma is excited, though.
Yesterday I cleaned a new house. It was a friend of a friend kind of thing and let me tell you this place was GORGEOUS! So that's what a house looks like when it's been professionally painted. ;) The kids bedrooms were awesome. One was pink with dancers painted in black all over the room. Emma would have loved it. I was so jealous of their master bathroom tub, too. I've never seen one so deep before. I could soak for hours in that bastard. ;)

Probably the lamest post I'll ever make.....

So today I was vacuuming while I had Days of Our Lives on. It was about 2 minutes until the end of the show and I looked up and saw Billie and Steve making out. I was so offended! What the hell was that bitch Billie doing?! Was she on a "breaking up super couples" bender?! I couldn't hear what was going on and then it was over, so I have no idea what the circumstance was, but I was so taken back by it.

That being said....I'm completely aware how pathetic and sad it is that somehow I care about the characters from the lamest show on television......but in my own defense I've watched Days since I was a kid and I do have 2 X chromosomes, so I'm allowed some ultra girly moments from time to time. ;)

Crop for the Cure

Well, it's over. It was a great event, everyone seemed to enjoy themselves, but it was a loooooooong day. My feet were killing me. I was an idiot and wore a newer pair of shoes to stand in all day long. I'd wore them before and didn't have issues, but not for 12 hours of walking/standing. Lesson learned. I was full of issues last night though, because I had a weird bump on my stomach that I would have sworn was a hernia. It's better today, but still a little abnormal feeling. I'll add that to the list of rickety old lady problems that I need to go to the doctor for. I think, and I don't have the final totals yet, that we raised somewhere around $16,000. Our goal was $15,000, so that is awesome. I also won one of the silent auction items for a kids birthday party package at Backyard Adventures. It's a place that sells wooden outdoor play structures, but they have a showroom that they rent out for parties. The best part is that is doesn't expire until Dec. 31st of 2007, so we've got plenty of time to use it.
Kyle's first football game got rained out today. I was kind of glad because I wasn't in the mood for anymore walking/standing. Plus I hadn't seen the kids much of Friday or any of Saturday, so it was nice to just hang out.

Busy, Busy, Busy

Happy Anniversary to us! Today is my and Rob's 10 year anniversary. Can you believe we've made it this far without any domestic abuse calls, psychiatrist visits, or Chapter 11's? Good job, us! ;)
I've been working on getting food ready for our breast cancer fundraiser on Saturday. Were having 150 participants for a full day of scrapbooking, silent auctions, make n' takes, door prizes, ect. We're hoping to raise somewhere around $15,000. Yesterday Holly and I went shopping for stuff, and last night I made 5 pounds of maid rites, 20 boxes of pasta salad, and cut up some green peppers for a veggie tray. Tonight I'm cutting up ham and turkey and making deli trays. Whew...that's a lot of food!
Kyle had football practice last night and oh baby did that kid stink when he got home. I made he and Rob one of those DiGiorno stuffed crust pizzas for supper and I'm pretty sure they ate the entire thing. He has his first scrimmage tonight and his first game on Sunday. I'm charging the camera battery as we speak. ;)
While getting Emma in the car yesterday, she and I were trying to get her seat belt buckled. She likes to spend 10 minutes trying to get it done herself, whereas I just want to get it done. She got mad at me and said "Back Off, Lady!". I said "what did you just say?!" and she coyly replied "please". Somehow "back off" just doesn't have the same effect when it's followed by a "please".

SSL pages are complete!

Here are a couple of pics of the completed Sesame Street Live pages that I did last week:

Stand, Sit, Kneel

Lately the family and I have been trying out different churches around town. I was raised Catholic, Rob Lutheran, and the kids were baptized as Lutherans. Over the years though we've kind of gotten soured by organized religion and hadn't been going to church on a regular basis. After we moved I thought it was high time that we go back. So we decided to look for a church that we felt comfortable in, rather than was sect it was. Last week we went to the Lutheran church and when we got there we realized it was a contemporary service. Meaning drum kits and guitar solos...ugh. Although it wasn't my cup of tea, the kids loved it. Kyle was clapping along and Emma was dancing....so it may have been worth it to get them excited about church. This Sunday was the Catholic church. I haven't been to a Catholic mass in YEARS. It was so crazy how everything was exactly the same, every word, gesture, all of it. It was like a time warp for me.....I still knew the Nicene Creed word for word, I still knew to "have the word of God in my thoughts, on my lips, and in my heart" after the "Gospel according to John"....it was as if I hadn't missed a day. Too bad my kids had never seen holy water and the mass was so traditional and stuffy that we probably won't go back. I don't really know what I'm looking for in a church, but I know that jam sessions aren't it, and stuffy Latin laced sermons aren't it either.
It did make me think of this hilarious Stephen Colbert video from Strangers With Candy because we sang this song all the time at church when I was kid. Another thing I knew word for word. ;)
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Our new tree

We bought and planted our new tree in our backyard today. It is an autumn blaze maple. It is supposed to be fast growing and sterile, so it won't drop crap all over the yard. Plus, it's leaves turn a really pretty orange in the fall. Here is a photo:

Don't Hassel the Hoff

Check out these hilarious pictures I came across today of everyone's favorite "Knight Rider". I was laughing my ass off!



The whole moon-turning-to-blood should have been a sign this was a fashion offense of biblical proportions. BTW, the love shrub is in need of a MAJOR pruning, David.


"I enjoy doing naked crunches with my pets."


Intergalactic Cameltoe!


K.I.T.T. is just D.Y.I.N.G. to run them both over, but even when the cameras weren't rolling, that lone extra in the back remained dedicated to his part as "Shifty Mexican in Southwestern Poncho #4."


What would YOU wear to a baseball-themed biker rodeo after a mountain lion ate YOUR sleeves?!


If the words "David Hasselhoff" weren't etched on the top, I'd swear this was a picture of Patrick Swayze. Nobody puts The Hoff in a corner!

"Ah, that's better"

So today Emma decided that she wanted to try a "Certs" mint. She put it in her mouth, sucked on it for a few seconds, then bit into it. She made a nasty face and said "I can't like it in my mouf", then spit it out in her hand. She threw it in the trash and said "ah, that's better".
On the same line.....the other day, I was eating a salad at a restuarant. They served it with onion slices, which I don't like. I took them off and put them on the side of my plate. After Emma was done with her meal, she asked if she could have one of the onion pieces. I said "if you really want to". She ate one, then got about halfway through the second when she put her hands over her mouth and said "owwwwwwwww". What a dork. ;)

Owie Emma

The other day Emma and I were at the Johnston library. She was playing in the kid area and I was reading a magazine. She was spinning around and singing. All of a sudden I heard a thud and saw her laying in front of the window. I picked her up, and hugged her while she cried. I assumed that she'd hit her head on the window because she was dizzy from spinning. She stopped crying and I went to stand her up when I noticed the blood on my hand....then on my shirt...then on Emma's shirt, head, hands, and the library carpet. Holy shit! There was blood all over her hair, dripping. I picked her up and ran to the bathroom. I noticed the librarian and yelled "can you help me?!". So Emma and I sat in the bathroom trying to get the bleeding to stop, while the librarian got other librarians and the first aid kit. It was a mess. Emma has a high pain tolerance so after the initial 30 seconds of crying, she just sat there and let us freak. She must have cut herself on the ledge of the window and not the window itself. It turned out to only be a small cut, but those head wounds bleed forever. I was kind of scared to look. "If I see skull, I'm going to shit"....I said to the librarian. ;) Emma is fine now, and didn't need stitches or anything. I wonder how she'll react the next time we go to the library?
Here is a pic of her poor little blood stained shirt. It's not too bad, but getting the stains out was tricky.

The "talk"

Last night Rob and I had the "sex talk" with Kyle. It was hilarious. It pretty much started with him telling us what he knew about how babies are made. Which was nothing, except that they "grow from food". I've never been one to sugar coat, or make up crap to spare him from reality, so the whole explanation of things took about a minute and a half. The look of disgust and "why would anyone ever want to do that" on his face was priceless. The conversation ended like this:
"So when I grow up I'm going to do that?"
"Honey, everyone does that"
"Why?"
"Because it's kinda fun, and it is what you've got to do if you want to have a baby"
"I don't HAVE to have children"
"No, you don't have to.....but I'd kind of like you to"
"So you can have grandchildren?"
"Yeah"
"Well, when I grow up I probably won't remember that we even talked about this"
"Yeah, maybe not.......or you may need therapy as a result of it".


Parenting.....good stuff. ;)

12 pages

My friend Jodi came over yesterday and we scrapbooked all morning. It was nice to have someone come over and just sit in my own house, where all my stuff is, and get some pages done. She left after lunch, but I kept on going. I got some old, snow pages from last winter done, plus some Reiman Gardens, and 4th of July. It was a pretty productive day. I started to do some Sesame Street Live and realized that I have no Elmo stuff. Got to have Elmo for SSL! I took some pictures of the pages, but those never turn out very well, what with the lighting and flash and such. Here are some of the cuter ones:

7 inches!

Get your minds out of the gutter, you nasty pervs, I was talking about the amount of hair that Emma got cut off yesterday. ;) She looks so cute with a little bob. And it only took me about a minute this morning to brush it out. So worth it! She was really good through the whole thing. Just kind of sat there and watched. She likes it too because she keeps walking around saying "I've got short hair". Here is a before:

And a couple afters:

Big day for Kyle

He started 3rd grade today! He did really well at his new school and said that he made some friends. It was a little chaotic dropping off this morning with all the parents walking their kids in the building, but we managed without being tardy. ;)

Kid-less accomplishments

It's amazing what a person can accomplish while being alone. Last night my inlaws took the kids overnight, for one last sleepover before school starts tomorrow. So Rob and I went out to dinner and to a movie. We saw Talladega Nights and as expected, laughed our asses off. Here is my favorite line from the movie:

Cal Naughton Jr.: "I did a spread. And when I say spread, I mean I spread my buttcheeks for Playgirl. And I did it under the name Mike Honcho."

Then this morning I slept in. It was awesome. I made 6 dozen cookies, did 2 loads of laundry, got my hair cut, went to Target and mowed the lawn.....all before 4:00. Damn, I'm good. ;)

Last day at the pool

Kyle starts school this Thursday, so today is his last day for the swimming pool. Awwwww, kind of sad. Tonight my inlaws are taking the kids overnight, so Rob and I are going to a movie. Then tomorrow, I'll be all alone. Hmmmm, I wonder what I can accomplish with an entire day to myself? I've actually got to make a ton of cookies for our breast cancer fund raiser that is coming up in Sept., so I'm sure that will be part of it. Tonight we've got Kyle's "meet the teacher" night at his new school. He doesn't seem nervous at all, but I am. We'll bring his school supplies and go through a tour, stuff like that. I'll have to familiarize myself with the drop off/pick up routine as to not get lynch mobbed on the first day of school. Moms can be so vicious. ;)
Here are a couple pictures of the kids over the weekend. They were roasting marshmallows and making s'mores:

Iowa State Fair

Yesterday we went to the fair. We usually do go every year, but yesterday was so nice......cooler temps and sunny skies, that we stayed longer than we normally would. My feet were killing me by the end of the day. The kids had a great time. They had foot long corn dogs, rode on rides in the midway, saw the animals, got to meet Clifford the big red dog, you name it. Emma was not happy with being in a stroller for a lot of the time, though. She is just too young and unpredictable to not bring one for her. Here are some highlight photos:

I can't believe I forgot!

I hate my old brain these days! So....back in the Quad cities last weekend I ran into my old chorus teacher from high school. Her name is Ms. Eggelston, which I always thought was appropriate because she reminded me of a chicken. If you need a visual, she makes me think of Ms. Fowl from Jimmy Neutron :


Anyhoo, so she always has this round bump on her foot and back in the day she would always wear old lady sandals with this gnarly toe knob poking out from inbetween the straps. I was hypnotized, infatuated, spellbound by this thing and I would always stare at it. So when I saw her I was like "I've got to check and see if the toe tumor is still there", and sure enough it was. Plain as day....taunting me. ;)

Football

Sometime ago Kyle announced that he wanted to play football. In Ames they started football in 3rd grade, so we'd told him all along that he's have to wait until then. When we moved I did what I thought was adequate and continually checked the Ankeny and Urbandale park and rec websites for fall football information. Well yesterday I found out that neither one have football as part of the park and rec. Instead Ankeny has a junior football league. How someone new to town is supposed to know this is beyond me. So anyway, I checked out the registration info and found out it was last month. Arg! So I called and convinced the wife of the head coach that I needed to register Kyle....and my powers of persuasion are mighty because I'm dropping off a check to her today. Kyle is going to be soooooo excited.

Ahhh, coffee

Today is such a good day for coffee. After days of heat, it's nice to have a cool day, even if it is rainy, just sit and warm up with some caramel truffle.
MmmmmMmmmm.

Poop

While here at my mom's house, we had an issue with the toilet. Kyle took a dump and plugged it up....no problem, it happens to the best of us, right? So my mom got out the plunger and went to work. No luck. Then she got out the other plunger. Still no luck. After she and I plunged for about an hour....in a very stinky bathroom, with poopy water splattering all over.....we gave up. I called my husband....you know, the plumber, that would have probably had it unclogged in a minute or two, and asked what else we could do. He said that the only thing we could do it go to Home Depot and get a toilet auger...unless we wanted to call a plumber on a Saturday night. So there I went, to Home Depot at 8:30. I found what I wanted and carried my lonely purchase to the cashier. She rang it up and said "have a good night". To which I replied "yeah, I'm going to have a great time with what I get to go home and do with a toilet auger". So then she says "well, it's not as bad as what some people would do with one of those". Ummmmmmmmm.....what?! This is not the conversational path I was wanting to take with the Home Depot cashier. So I said "yeah I'm really just going to use it on the toilet".
Holy shit....literally.

Back ass Iowa

Wednesday the kids and I headed over to see my dad where he was staying in Guttenberg Iowa. It's a little hole in the wall town right along the Mississippi River. I took some wacky back roads to get there and it's been quite a long time since I've travelled through rinky dink little towns like that. There was one called New Vienna that had a beautiful old Catholic church. It was massive and hard to believe that a town of a few hundred people could keep a church that big in business. Not to mention that there couldn't have been that many young boys in town to be altar boys.....so you'd think that right there would be enough to close down a Catholic church. ;)
So we only stayed one night in Guttenberg as there isn't that much to do and my dad was staying in a camper, so not very much room either. We did take the kids on the ferry across the river, though. Emma slept through it, but Kyle thought it was fun.
Yesterday we drove more back roads to my mom's house. Clinton may not be great but at least I feel like we're in civilization.

Strangers with Candy

My brother and I went to see it last Friday at the Fluer Cinema. It was an unexpectedly nice theatre. Anyway, the movie was funny, but not as funny as the tv show. Still worth my $7, though. I loved that show and have all of them on DVD. It's a good show to just sit and watch when you feel shitty and want to laugh. Here is a funny quote from the movie:

Jerri Blank: It's like the time you set that boat on fire and watched those Haitians panic. Oh wait, that was me... The point is, you're a racist.

Good times......